BBC 6 Music Podcasts.
6 Music.
This is a free download from the BBC.
Find out more at bbc.co.uk slash 6 Music.
And now, Adam and Joe.
Watch out, it's Adam and Joe, coming from space to your brain.
They've got a little pack of highlights from the 6 Music show for you to hear again.
Hello, this is Adam.
Hey, this is Joe Cornish.
And welcome to another Condensed Nugget podcast.
These are all the highlights.
Well, we call them highlights.
These are the bits that weren't so appalling that there was no way we would stick them in a compilation.
From our six music show that goes out on Saturday mornings from 9am until midday.
And what a week, wow, what a week we had in the show this week though.
Yeah, we had texts from people, we talked bits of stuff about things.
Well we didn't have, we didn't have Song Wars of course.
No.
And did you, how did you feel it went minus Song Wars?
I don't know, I like Song Wars, I think it gives added value to the show, something well produced and thought through.
On the other hand, I felt that there were more interesting little bits of chittle this week.
I don't know, I like Song Wars.
I think maybe we should bring it back.
Or, do it bi-weekly.
Or, do it monthly.
Or, do something a bit different, like, say, Movie Trailer Wars, where we make spoof movie trailers.
Or, something else fun, you know, for the listeners.
You gave me all, like, I didn't even write any of those options down, now I'm confused about it, now I'm going to get depressed about it, and worried, and spend all weekend worried and depressed now, and it's your fault.
Good, good.
serves you right for killing Song Wars.
My favourite feature, you killed it, purely selfishly, because you'd lost so much, you couldn't deal with it.
Oh, let's not open up the Song Wars worm box again, can we please?
Couldn't handle it.
Anyway, folks, hope you enjoy.
I'm not going to respond to that, even though there is a lot of things I could say.
I'll leave it for a later date.
But for now, here's a compilation of delights from this week's 6th Music Show.
Enjoy!
Ooh, that's nice.
That's good, man.
Say something.
Go on, say something to me.
I love chocolate.
I want to eat chocolate all over my mouth.
I want to put it in my mouth and chew it and swallow it so it sits in my tummy.
yeah you could do adverts I could goodnight hey listen listeners good morning this is Adam and Joe on BBC six music hope you've had a good night's sleep Adam and I of course have been out all night clubbing yeah we've been partying I was at the scrunch box in Mayfair with
Tara Farrah Tomkinson.
I was at the Nuntie Rooms.
Really?
In Depresta.
I was raving on a pill.
I was so drugs.
I wasn't, when I say a pill, I mean like an aspirin.
Right.
I was all over the drugs.
Were you?
No.
And it was sweaty and sexy and I was dancing with a girl.
Yeah.
But she was sexy and she wasn't wearing much.
But I looked closer and she had
stitched into the nape of her back, you know the bottom of her back, a little label saying chlamydia.
Chlamydia, that's nice.
Like in one of those adverts.
Uh-huh.
So I thought, no, I won't bother.
Which adverts are you talking about there?
The ones about chlamydia.
Then I was dancing with another girl and she was really, really sexy and but then I saw she was wearing a necklace saying chlamydia.
Oh dear.
That's depressing, isn't it?
Yes, it's a shame.
It puts you off, doesn't it?
It does put you off, but I'm happy it's so clearly signposted these days.
You know what?
It doesn't put me off.
Doesn't it?
No, I like it.
You love it.
Yes, because I think A, it's a pretty name.
For a girl, it is.
And B, it suggests to me that maybe they're promiscuous, in which case I'm in there.
You are in there.
Do you understand?
Yes, I understand.
Is this the greatest radio show in the world?
What?
Yeah.
You know there was in the Guardian newspaper yesterday, it said at the top in big letters, is this the greatest day for new films ever?
I like it when newspapers structure a, you know, a story like that.
Yeah.
Because you can say anything, stick a question mark at the end and it validates the most preposterous sentences.
Is Joe Cornish the sexiest, cleverest man currently alive?
Yeah, to which of course the answer would be... Would be no.
You know, I'm near the top, I'm in the top five.
Oh, okay.
But it would be, you know, arrogant to say I was number one.
A little bit arrogant.
But still, I've said the words.
Yeah, exactly.
I've said the sentence.
You've posed the question.
Yeah, it's like that brilliant scene in a not particularly brilliant film, How to Get Ahead in Advertising, where he points out the use of the word may in newspapers as well.
Right.
You know, they rely on that word very heavily.
to justify amazing statements.
Yeah, exactly.
We don't even bother with that.
When we talk about Text the Nation, we don't equivocate.
We tell people it's the nation's favourite feature.
Is Text the Nation the greatest feature in the world?
Is it?
Yes.
Is it?
Yes.
No.
Yes it is.
No.
Yes.
No.
Text the nation.
Text, text, text.
Text the nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text!
It's the nation's favourite feature.
Could it be the nation's favourite feature?
Is that how I'm supposed to say it?
Could this feature, simply by listening to it, make you stronger and live 98 years longer than normals?
Could this feature, simply by interacting with it,
turn you into a muscle man.
Could this feature make you more potent?
Yes.
That's a good reason for having it then, isn't it?
Yeah, so this is Adam and Jo on BBC 6 Music.
It's time for Text the Nation.
The time of the show when we give you a sort of a question type thing or a topic of conversation.
A topic?
A topic.
Why have you suddenly got so excited about me saying the word topic?
Are they your favourite choccy choccy bar?
Yeah, they've got a hazelnut in every bite there.
You know what?
My mum loves topics.
Does she?
They're so small but they're powerful.
They're like a dum-dum bullet.
Are they smaller than the average bar?
They are smaller than the average bar.
No.
Let's not get sidetracked on choccy bar sizes though.
I'd love a choccy bar right now.
Topic.
Topics are lovely.
They've got nougat and peanuts and the two flavours really offset each other one another.
They've got more peanuts than any other bar.
What's got a hazelnut in every bite?
Topic.
Smooth milk chocolate for your delight.
Topic.
And don't forget the hazelnut in every bite.
Topic.
Anyway, so listen, that's not the point, though.
I got the lyrics wrong.
There's other bars, obviously.
There are.
Are there?
Yeah.
Are they called topic?
No.
None of this is called topic.
Here's the Text the Nation subject, and this one is games.
Not mind games, but games you play.
For instance, if you go and have a meal with some friends, often after the meal, a friend will propose that you play a game.
The time in your life I would say that you play most of these is, would you reckon, your 20s?
Before people start having children and stuff like that.
Very popular in your 20s, very popular for younger people.
And we're not necessarily talking about sordid drinking games.
Yeah.
We're talking about ways for a group of people to have fun.
We're not talking about board games.
No.
We're talking about games that you've learned off other people or games that you've made up.
Some people hate games like this.
They find them an anathema.
Is that a word?
Yeah.
Other people like them.
But whether you like them or hate them, we all find ourselves being caught up in them every now and then.
And it's always a bad idea to resist them too much because then it becomes a big deal.
You just look like a sourpuss.
Everyone rounds on you.
The Hat Game is a game where everyone writes the name of a famous person on lots of pieces of paper.
You fold them up, put them in a hat, you have to pass it round.
pick it out, and what do you do?
Do you mime?
No, you describe the person without saying their name.
Yeah.
This can be embarrassing because you don't know who they are sometimes.
And then you can do it three times.
You can do it once with using just one word.
That's the three-rounded hack game.
And then the third time you just do it with a mime.
Exactly.
Other types of games are kind of less civilized than that.
Like, we invented a game when we were very stupid called Sumo.
Sumo, you mentioned this before, I never remember Sumo.
I don't think I played it with Adam, but some friends of mine, what we used to do is get quite overexcited on various inebriants, wrap ourselves in duvets, go to this local park, someone would shout, Sumo is go!
And then we'd run at each other in these big duvets and try and push each other over.
You see, I don't know.
It was wicked.
Was it wicked?
Yeah.
Yeah, what?
Yeah, what?
You proceeded to eat it, because it was death.
I like that.
That's kind of like Duplo hip-hop, isn't it?
No, it's good enough, man.
You don't need anything more than that.
Who was in Run DMC?
That's Jam Master J. Was he in there?
The Jam Jar?
The Jam Jar.
He was one of the early champions of 50 Cent, wasn't he?
Was he?
I believe he was, yeah.
Eventually Eminem and Dr. Dre got hold of 50 Cent and propelled him to superstardom.
But Jam Master J, or whatever his name was, from Run DMC,
was one of the first people that encouraged young Curtis.
Man, I saw MTV Cribs last night.
And they were looking around 50 Cent's house.
I like to call him 50 Pence.
And 50 Pence has an amazing house.
It's extraordinary.
And I think it must have been filmed fairly recently, because he was talking about his, was his last album called Curtis?
I don't know.
That came out last year?
I think it was.
So it must have been filmed late last year, early this year.
No, it couldn't have been early this year, could it?
But anyway, he lives in Farmington, Connecticut in an 18... Look, can we get the specific date of the filming?
Yeah.
Right, before we move on.
Well, I'm trying to establish how recent it was, you know what I mean?
Right.
And I think it was fairly recent.
Eighteen and a half million dollar mansion he's got there.
Used to belong to Mike Tyson.
Anyway, this place he's got there in Farmington, Connecticut, it's amazing.
It's got... he's got a helicopter, Joe.
Wow.
It's got a red helicopter.
Noel Evans has got one of those.
It's not that amazing.
Yeah, but you expect Noel to have one.
You know, Noel's been at the Coalface for years and years and years.
But Fitty, he's only been a player for maybe five years or something?
Okay, I'll give you that.
And it's an extraordinary accumulation of wealth and splendour that he's got there in Farmington.
He's got
are several cars, Joe.
Several cars.
Several.
More than one.
Like, one of them cost a million dollars.
Wow.
Which is too much for a car, don't you reckon?
It's a waste of money.
It's a waste of money.
I mean, a car is a practical thing.
Exactly.
It'll only get scratched.
Exactly.
Some more keys.
That's right.
But he's got basketball courts and tennis courts there.
He's got a pool room with Louis Vuitton upholstered walls, Joe.
Wow.
And on the pool table itself, instead of green bays, he's got Louis Vuitton bays.
Oh, that's classy.
It's the best way to play pool.
It's the only way that you would want to play pool.
He's got a club in this house, Joe, a nightclub, and he's got all the facilities you need for topless lady dancing.
Does the nightclub have people in it?
No.
It's just empty.
It's totally empty.
Is that any use?
Well, I'd have robot people.
You reckon?
Yeah.
Like replicants?
Yeah, not like replicants, just, you know, robotic.
Right.
So I could dance.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
With them.
Man, maybe he's got them in a robot cupboard there.
Probably hydraulic.
Who can tell?
Probably under the floor.
But the whole place was a little bit like a kind of hotel from a theme park.
Well, you know, sometimes in those things they just film them in a hotel.
You reckon?
In a theme park.
They do, they do, they do do that.
It's like a hello photo shoot, you know, where you just get a suite or hire a house to make it look like it's yours.
They do do that sometimes.
I know, I know, but they... 50 Cent lives in a little house in Dahood.
He keeps it real.
A little crack shack.
Well I was thinking, if it is his place, and I have every reason to believe that it really was, at the end he was saying, next time MTV Cribs, I'll show you around my new house.
Is he talking like that?
No, he was saying, he's talking like this, he's saying.
Because you know he got shot in the face and stuff.
Sure he did.
So he's like, his mouth's a little bit mangled.
He's like a big pepper pot.
He is.
I'll say next time MTV Cribs, you can come round my house.
In fact, that would just be a good novelty pepper pot.
Yeah.
50 cent with some holes.
With some bullet holes.
And maybe salt, not pepper, because you'd need to grind it.
You could have a Linda Blair pepper pot.
That's nice.
Rotate the head.
Absolutely.
It could dispense guacamole as well.
Sorry, keep talking.
There's all kinds of tasteless pepper pots you could have.
So yeah, we're promised a tour of his house in Long Island.
And I was thinking about, like, what could he possibly have there, do you know what I mean?
I was thinking that Fitty, like, with all his money, because he's like number two most richest rapper, right?
Behind Jay-Z, I think.
I think he is.
I think Forbes has rated him as, because he's got loads of ongoing concerns, apart from all the rapping he does, right?
He's got all his special drinks for building muscle building.
He's got his range of condoms, I think.
He's got fingers in all kinds of pies, which is not a nice expression to use after mentioning condoms.
But still, you know what I'm talking about.
I was thinking, obviously, this is an obvious one, rooms with money wallpaper.
That would be great, wouldn't it?
So actually paper the walls with money.
With real money.
And then the furniture would be made out of big blocks of money.
It's a bit tacky.
Well, I didn't think that would be a problem.
No, it probably isn't.
I thought he would like it.
Do you know what I mean?
He might.
Because it's not only is it, you could make him, you can make him comfortable, you know, but there would be solid money.
It wouldn't be like a wooden framework with money pasted on top.
That would be cheating.
It would be solid money.
His bedsheets would be made from the Turin Shroud, I was thinking.
Oh.
Because that's a little tasteless and possibly offensive to a lot of people.
It's not very big.
No, but... maybe not the... well, you know, he's got... There are conditioning.
You know what?
There are several shrouds.
He'd stitch them together.
He'd stitch them together.
He's got a patchwork quilt.
What about the Bayeux tapestry?
How about that?
With the Turin Shroud?
Like holy relics?
Yeah, with a little bit of the Turin Shroud.
Exactly.
He could have, yeah, any kind of holy relic all stitched together.
And it wouldn't just be the shroud itself, it would be part of a duvet.
He'd need a very, very gentle powder to wash that away.
Exactly.
Do it at 30.
It's good for the environment and for the relic.
You wouldn't want to, maybe just 20, I would say.
I wouldn't go as high as 30 for the Turin Shroud.
And he would, in his house also, he would have a lot of gold things, because that's what rich people like.
Gold water, he would have.
Golden water.
Delicious golden water.
That sounds a bit disgusting.
Well, only little bits of gold.
Do you remember we had that drink before one time?
Sure.
Someone sent us some booze with gold in it.
Gold is not bad for you if taken in small doses.
He would have gold-plated fruit.
Mmm.
Delicious.
He'd also have a machine that when you go to the loo, right, and for number twos, it would gold-plate your pops as they fell out into the bowl.
Why?
Wouldn't that be great?
What do you mean, why?
So you could keep them.
and you could store them.
Maybe you'd keep them, maybe you'd just flush them down because you don't care.
So what, gold pops?
I don't care, flush them.
But it would just be nice to think... Nice treat for the sewage workers.
Well, exactly.
With little fishing nets.
Exactly.
They could unwrap them.
Anyway, I was listening, I was thinking... Well, they wouldn't unwrap them.
They'd just take the gold.
That's what I'm saying.
I thought you meant they were discarding the gold.
That would be insane.
Why would you do that?
Well, because they're big fans of 50 Cent.
Exactly.
You could put it on eBay.
Hi there.
This is music artist Beck, Beck Hanson, and you're listening to the Adam and Joe podcast.
I just did a new Beck song about Adam and Joe.
So here it is.
Two, three, four.
Adam and Joe with the razor blade overcoat sitting on a food machine eating dirty pickles with their palms.
Did you like it?
I hope so.
Thank you.
This is back.
Now back to the Adam and Joe podcast.
Bye.
What have you got there?
A text.
Dear Adam and Joe, here's one that I don't think we should encourage.
Take a cigarette paper, stick it to your nose.
set light to it, then blow it out.
Pass it on to the next person in the group.
This is a game of skill and daring.
Who will manage to light the smallest bit of cigarette paper without burning their eyebrows off?
Well, that's dangerous.
We should not encourage that.
That's dangerous.
Plus, didn't you hear in the news they're going to have warnings on the cigarette papers now?
It's true.
Probably because of that game.
Exactly.
Here's another one, this is from Sarah in Godalming.
After a sufficient amount of drinking, we used to recreate the gladiator wall game along a hallway or narrow path and use household appliances such as a hoover, ironing board, chair or large bin to use to block the person from getting through the wall of people.
So what is that game?
They're bringing Gladiator back, so we'll be reminded, but I think it's sort of lots of people in a row and you have to try and run through them.
Oh, you mean that TV show?
I was thinking there was like a scene in the film, the Ridley Scott film.
No, that would involve going to a zoo and jumping into the tiger enclosure with a dustbin lid.
Yeah, very bad idea.
None of the games they play in the Ridley Scott film seem that much fun for after dinner.
No.
This is from Samantha.
My brother and I used to play a game called Floppy Bodies.
When we were going on a trip in the car, we had to pretend we had no bones in our bodies, so that every time the car went round a corner, we flopped all over the place, landing on the floor, each other, the front seats, wherever.
It was brilliant!
That sounds dangerous as well, Samantha, but good as well.
Floppy bodies, you wouldn't want to play it while you're actually driving.
I think the tip is to play it in the back seat.
Right.
Not if you're in the passenger seat.
In control of the actual car.
Here's another good one.
A lady called Carmel in Horsham.
An old favourite of ours was Cracker Whacker.
You all had to tape cream crackers to your head, which was a bit of a challenge and took some work on techniques.
Then you would bash each other with sticks of celery, the winner destroying all the other people's cream crackers.
That's nice, it's healthy too.
It's pretty good, isn't it?
Yeah, it's good, nutritious.
Nice to be hit in the face with a piece of celery.
And then you can have the celery after.
All the crumbs cascading everywhere, giggling.
I'd do it nude.
I don't know why, it just seems like something nudists might do.
There's very few games that aren't improved by being nude.
Here's another one from David in Ealing.
Everyone leans back.
So this is unlike the cracker one, you don't stick these to your face.
He's saying you lean back and you balance an after eight mint on your forehead.
It's good, you know, dinner parties, after eight mints, he's thinking, he's really thinking about the details.
You have to eat the sweet without touching it with your hands, which basically entails scrunching your face up and gurning to encourage it to slip towards your mouth, smearing chocolate all down your face as it goes.
The first person to eat their after eight wins, but really,
everyone's a winner that's a good that is that is a good isn't it that is a good that is a good that's a good watch out is another little bit it might be wicked it might be one of the weaker bits but that's cool i like weaker bits i can handle up to three
Hey, if you've got, you know, for online banking, do you do online banking?
You're talking to me or the listeners?
You, Joe Cornish.
No.
You don't do any online banking?
No, I don't trust it.
Oh.
Well, you see, what they give you, though, if you're doing a little bit of online banking, is you get like a little security keypad they send you through.
This is with Barclays at least, I don't know about other banks.
But you get a thing that looks like a little mini calculator with a slot for your credit card at the top or your debit card.
And each time you log on to check out your online banking details, you have to pop the credit card in there and it asks you to... That wasn't sent to you by Barclays.
No.
That was sent to you by Lambek Shibot.
Whose dad died in a Nigerian gold mining accident and he's raising funds.
He's taking all your money.
Probably.
Spending it on Tatoes.
Why does he want tatoes?
Because he's a Latvanian potato farmer.
Anyway, I was just wondering if other people had this or whether it was indeed a scam from, what was his name?
Lambert Potato.
I don't know, I can't remember.
Lambert, that was his name.
You know, because it seems complicated, but obviously you have to go through these procedures to keep it all secure and everything.
You know, you put your card in there, it asks you to put, first of all, you have to put your pin in, then it generates a kind of random number that you have to... You put your pin in.
Your pin in.
Your pin in.
Yeah.
And it generates a number, you have to key the number into your online details and everything.
It takes ages.
I was trying to think of what extra security measures could you have, right?
in what for banks yeah uh i would have a uh an i don't know a photocopy of the ass that's a good idea yeah you scan your ass yeah no two are the same very nice you could they could even send out special chairs that have the scanner chairs in as part of the seat of the chair nice
We are asking you listeners to send in your favourite games that you like playing, you know?
Like, mainly sort of grown-up games, but it doesn't matter if they're a little ridiculous as well.
Here's one from Christian, spelt with a K. Me and my sister used to play a game where one of us would pretend to be a stone and the other one would fall over it.
Mm-hm.
And my friend Ashley used to play seats.
So wait, wait, wait.
Yeah.
That was it?
That was the game?
These are childhood games.
We're building up to it.
It gets a bit better stroke worse.
My friend Ashley used to play seats where her and her sister used to pretend to be different kinds of seats and sit on each other.
I remember that.
I played that game too.
That's a fun game.
I've never played that game.
What would you be?
Like a post-trapedic stool?
I don't think it's so important.
How many different types of chair can there be?
Well, you can be a big comfy armchair if you hold up your arms and spread out your legs a little bit.
Is that like a sexy game?
Not really.
You can make it a sexy game, obviously.
That's why I said before, all of these games can be made sexy very easily.
With the removal of clothes.
I might be a seat with an uncomfortable nub.
Anyway, carry on.
That's not really a game, is it?
But I like the idea of people being seats.
That's very odd.
Richard Harrison.
He says, competition jigsaw.
You and your opponent sit on opposite sides of the table, laying out all the jigsaw pieces of a jigsaw on the table.
When the game starts, you race to put the pieces together.
You can't steal pieces.
The winner is the person who's made most of the jigsaw by the time you reach stalemate.
Speed jigsaw.
Yeah.
Like it.
Well, again, a lot of games can be improved if you just play a speed version.
That's right.
We used to play speed Kinect 4, didn't we?
That's a good game, man.
I claim to be able to beat anybody in the world at Kinect 4.
At Kinect 4?
Yeah.
I don't boast many things in my life.
Can you do it online?
I bet you can, can't you?
Yeah, you can, but you don't want to play against a computer.
You can't psych them out in the ways that I use.
You could play other people though, surely, online.
I bet you could.
Could you?
I don't think it's respected really as a game.
You're trying to weed them out of it now.
No, but I throw down the gauntlet.
If anybody out there thinks they can beat me at Connect Four, email us.
I'll take you on.
That's a good challenge.
We can do this.
And if I don't beat you in the first game, I'll beat you in best of three.
And where's my favourite one?
My favourite one is, yeah, beat the security light.
Hi guys, just thought of another game we used to play at a friend's house after dinner parties.
They had a long garden.
We used to take it in turns to try and get from one end of the garden to the other without setting off the security light.
That's from Chris Prince.
Chris, I did a very similar thing when we rented a place in Greece.
It had a staircase and it had security lights on the stairs.
And pretty much the first entire two nights we spent
stealthily creeping amazingly slowly up the stairs to see who could get the highest without activating the security light.
Right.
Because it's brilliant.
You feel like you're in Mission Impossible.
Exactly.
Because if you move slowly enough, you won't activate the light.
You're like Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment.
Exactly.
But if you slip or make a sudden movement, the light goes off.
I've never had more fun in my life.
I don't think.
I can imagine.
That's a brilliant one.
Hi, this is A Sexy Woman, and you're listening to the highlights of the Adam and Jo BBC Six Music show.
Ooh, this podcast has got me so hot.
I'm too hot.
I'm going to have to sit down and take off my cardigan.
I'm boiling.
Um, I was, I was bad this, this week, Adam.
Oh, what did you do?
I went to see, this isn't the bad thing, I went to see No Country for Old Men, the, the Coen brothers film.
Yeah, did you enjoy it?
Uh, I did enjoy it, but it was being ruined for me by four people.
The actors?
No.
No.
in I saw it it's a very quiet film that's right it's got an amazing soundtrack in it very little um uh music it's true it's not good for eating I had my bag of revels and I didn't get finished I think listeners this might be a common problem in this particular film yeah that it really sort of highlights the annoyingness of of munching and cinema behavior which winds me up anyway it's true
But but it's it's it's such a sort of studied film beautiful vistas amazing natural sounds And one of those films where because there's no sound you get really absorbed in it You're paying much more attention and some young people some thick young people from the suburbs I don't want to insult people from the suburbs unless they're these particular people I'm thinking of I do want to insult them and
They're used to films with loud noises, monsters squashing people, people screaming, you know, pop hits every four minutes.
People teleporting everywhere.
Yeah, the tiniest sounds sounding like a nuclear explosion.
So they used to just being able to chit-chit chittle-chattle all the time with no consequence, you know and no consideration of anybody else And that's what these people started doing.
Oh That was the noise Constantly in my left ear.
How far into the film are we at this point?
The very beginning.
No.
Yeah, like the first ten minutes big thing of popcorn
I'm just going I'm really I really want to enjoy this film I've saved it up I waited until the cinemas were a bit empty was it an option to move to a different cinema no because it's it was not a very big cinema and it's a widescreen presentation yeah 2.35 to 1 or whatever it is you got to sit near the
My favourite aspect ratio.
I love that aspect ratio.
And then there were those people making a terrible racket and then in front of them there was a woman who I think was doing origami with some kind of rice paper.
Either that or she had one of those work from home jobs where you insert boxes into other boxes and then rattle things.
she was making extraordinary noises probably that greaseproof paper on a sandwich maybe or something like that but it was really annoying me and i think everyone else in the cinema uh so you know what i did well it's got to be turned around and do a bit of shushing i tried a i tried tactic number one staring right and i'm sure other people have done this what you do is you just do a really really strong lean forward yeah rotate your whole head so that your face catches the light
and just glare in a Paddington Bear style and hope that, you know, they catch you out of their peripheral vision.
What if they're scary?
Would you do that if you were scary?
The staff will back me up.
The little ladies.
I'm amazed that you would go for a face-off before you go for a shush.
I was really annoyed.
I was really annoyed.
This didn't work.
It didn't work at all.
So I stood up and I went over to them and I leant right into them.
And you know that thing where you kind of build up a visual image of them in your brain in the half light of what they're like.
I thought he was like a big beefy idiot man with a tattoo on his head and she was an awful slapper and they were stupid.
When I leant into them, the first thing I noticed was they were
quite nice.
They seemed like quite a nice lovey-dovey couple having a nice evening at the cinema.
The next thing that happened was I tried to say to them, excuse me, can you please keep your voice down?
You're spoiling the film.
As soon as I talked, something loud happened in the film.
So I just went... And they looked at me really confused.
Why is this man violating our personal space?
Why is he talking at us?
And so I just went... Like that.
International language of mine.
Lifted the finger.
Told them to shush.
They just look really freaked out.
They look really frightened and terrified.
Yeah, but did you get any results?
Oh yes.
Oh yeah.
It worked.
They were so scared by this weird man leaning his stupid long face right into their Saturday night.
Yeah.
Hey, that's the end of the podcast for this week.
Thanks very much for listening.
I'd like to say what an amazing listener you've been.
Yeah, you're very understanding, I must say.
Your ears are lovely.
They're good.
A little bit waxy.
I'd get a cotton bud and have a go in there.
Don't put the cotton bud in too deep.
No.
You fear perforating the eardrum or damaging a very sensitive organ.
It's tempting.
Of course it's tempting to dig around in there.
It feels so nice.
And every now and again you get like a real nugget, a golden nugget of wax.
Yay!
I've struck waxy gold!
Shoving things in holes is one of the greatest human pleasures.
Whether it be a finger in the nose, a Q-tip in the ear, or... A wink-wong in the wing-wang.
Yeah, that's the fella.
But you must be careful when shoving things in holes.
Because it can have all kinds of consequences.
And many things in life.
It's very pleasurable, yet it's very dangerous.
You never know what's at the bottom of the hole.
That's right.
Do you remember the scene from Flash Gordon where Peter Duncan from Duncan Dares stuck his hand in the thing and he... Always be careful of holes.
That goes for Q-tips and Wingle Wongles.
But what lovely listening and, you know, well listened.
Don't forget you can listen to the entire show live, there's three hours of it, including some great music and some fantastic trails, every Saturday morning from 9am to noon, or you can listen to the whole show via listen again if you're listening in the six days after broadcast, or something like that.
And you still get all the music and the news with the listen again option.
And it's fun listening to old news because you can look back and you can think, you can be quite smug about it because you know how it's all turned out and everything.
And you think, oh, that's old news.
Old news.
I remember fun.
Do you remember fun?
Yeah.
In the old days.
Those were the days.
Those were the days, weren't they?
Thanks for listening, we'll see you again soon.